Neil Innes didn't write these lyrics, that
is... but may have written the tune,
sang it, played piano on it, etc...
Accountancy Shanty •
Background to History • Brown
Paper Carrier Bag • Communist
Cooking
Fabulous Bingo Brothers •
Football • He's
The Star of the Sexy Movies • Holsten
Export
House Of The Rising Sun • In A Haunted House • Green King I.P.A. • Kama
Sutra • My
Pink Half of the Drain Pipe
Postcard • Rawlinson
End • Song O'
The Continuity Announcers • Song
O' the Insurance Men
The Bride Stripped Bare By "Bachelors"
• 24 Hours in
Tunbridge Wells • We
Are Normal
Look, up in the trees! Accountants. The long day's
accounts are done
and they gather here in the Reigate Woods to sing accountancy
shanties.
'Twas in my youth I ran away
To accountancy one day
With pen and paper collar and stud
Accountancy was in my blood
I'll scribble away and balance the books
and sing an accountancy shanty!
I chartered an accountant at the age of twenty-one
I'll scribble away and balance the books
and sing an accountancy shanty!
So raise a glass of medium-dry sherry
To the golden age of VAT
I'll scribble away and balance the books
and sing an accountancy shanty!
Ah, it's a rare sight for this part of Reigate....
(lyrics by Michael Palin)
The Background to History, Part Four
Good
evening.
One of the main elements in any assessment of the
medieval open field farming system is the availability
of oxen for the winter plowing. Professor Tofts of the
University of Manchester puts it like this:
To plough once in the winter, sowing, and again in Lent,
(Sowing with as many oxen, sowing with as many oxen)
As he shall have yoked in the plough
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
As he shall have yoked in the plough.
Oh yeah,
Oh yeah
Oh, yeah
But, of course, there is considerable evidence of open field villages
as far back as the tenth century. Professor Moorehead:
Theeeeeere's ev-i-de-ence
Theeeeeere's ev-i-de-ence
There's evidence (evidence)
Evidence (evidence)
Evidence (evidence?)
There's evidence (evidence!)
Evidence of settlements with one long village street
Farmsteads, hamlets, little towns - the framework was complete
By the tiii-iime ... OF THE NORMAN CONQUEST!
The rural framework was complete
Rur-al
frame-work
wa-as
com-plete
This is not to say, of course, that the system was as sophisticated
as it later came to be. I asked the Professor of Medieval Studies
at Cambridge why this was:
Well, it may not of been a, uh, statuatory obligation, but,
uh, I mean, uh,
a guy, who's a Freeman, wo uh, was obliged in the medieval system to uh... to
To, to do boon work?
Thas'right, yeah, uh, there's an example, uh, from the village rolls,
uh, in 1313.
And, I believe you're going to do it for us now.
Thas'right, yeah.
Oh it's written in the village rolls
That if one plough-team wants an oxen
And that oxen is lent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the loooord's consent
Yes, sir
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
(na na na na)
Then the villeins and the ploughmen got to have the lord's consent
That was a talk on the open-field farming system by Professor Angus
Jones.
Some of the main points covered in this talk are now available on a
long-playing record "The Ronettes Sing Medieval Agrarian History."
In the time...
And the bomb ex... plodes...
A spider's web woven across the plate glass window trembles,
Snaps, and sends a shimmering haze of lethal stars across the crowded
pavement
In the time it takes...
And the bomb ex... plodes...
Jigsaw pieces of shrapnel glide gently towards children
Tucking in to the warm flesh
In the time it takes to put down...
Enough limbs to build a Calvary across from splintered bones
For England's devious apathy
Island now atones
In the time it takes to put down
a brown
paper
carrier bag.
(boom)
Whenever ze bourgeois get you down
And revisionism's looking blue
Get into ze kitchen get out your pans
And cook a little dish or two
Whenever ze decline of ze capitalist system
Seems to be coming true
Get into your kitchen get out your pans
And cook a little dish or two
Here's our recipe if you want to be free
The future lies in your hands
Don't go on bitchin'
Get into the kitchen
And rattle, rattle, rattle zem pots and pans
Whenever you've shot all ze people to shoot
And you've shot ze firing squad too
Get into ze kitchen get out your pans
And shoot a little dish or two
Shoot one for me Joe!
And shoot a little dish or two
Make mine a bourgeois!
And shoot a little dish or two
two
toodle-oo
Once we had a donkey,
we kept it in the yard
One day in the winter
it was snowin' hard
Mother said the donkey
must be cold in the yard
Bring him in the kitchen
and let him have a warm
In came the donkey,
'n' bit me father's ear
Took it for a cabbage leaf
and broke the chandelier
Out went the gas
And then it came alight again
Poor father's head
The donkey took a bite again
Mother took a knife and fork
t'stick it in the ass
Stuck it in me father's head
and out went the gas
Ain't you mad you can't get at it?
Mother's sewn me drawers up.
I throw house bricks for The Arsenal
I chuck lead pipe for West Ham
I kick and maim for Chelsea
I kill for Tottenham
I drop bottles for United on the crowd from up above
Yes football is the game that we all love
I razor slash for Sheffield
I cut 'em up for Q.P.R.
I stick nails in 'em for Norwich
For Leeds I slash and scar
For Celtic I throw petrol bombs whenever our teams score
Yes football is the game that we adore
We all love football
Kill rape slash AAH
We all love football
Shoot stab boot AAH
Football is the game that we adore
I hack limbs off for Newcastle
I rape for Luton Town
For the Rangers I kill strangers
And kick police horses down
I set fire to referees who let opponents score
Yes football is the game that we adore
We all love football
Bomb hurt kill AHH
We all love football
Slash Kick maim AHH
Football is the game that we adore
The end.
(Television Commercial)
What would you do for a pint of Green King
I.P.A.?
I'd swim up and down the Limpopo
and to show you what bravery means
I'd go on a Japanese show-oh
and have things put down my jeans
Konichiwaaahhhh!
I'd risk a take-away from Katmandu
Score a goal like-a you-know-who
Go blindfold on the beach at San Tropez!
(For a pint of Green King I.P.A.)
(For a pint of Green King I.P.A.)
(For a pint of Green King I.P.A.)
I.P.A-ay-ayyy (For a pint of Green King I.P.A.)
(For a...)
This man to all appearances is an ordinary man
You wouldn't think to look at him that he had a single friend
The dirty mackintosh brigade pass him by without a glance
Yet if he took off his clothes right now he'd be boffed by all at once
Yes he's the star of the sexy movies (oh yeahhh!)>
Though his life is rather grim (ooo-ooh!)
Well wherever he goes, when he's wearing clothes
nobody recognizes him
He was Mister Kinks the milkman in "Peeping Tom Came 2"
He played the alcoholic in "Bathroom Frolic" and the bishop in "Kinda Blue"
We never saw his face in "The Dirty Boat Race" with the opulent Cambridge
Cox
He was the one with the friend third from the end who never took off his
socks
Yes he's the star of the naughty movies
Oh what a life he's led
On bouncin' springs and all kinds of things
He's the king of the king-size bed
He played well-hung Roger in "The Artful Lodger"
Brian in "Whips Ahoy" (Whips Ahoy!)
He was Wicked Keith in "Sex Without Teeth"
The one with the vicar and the big blonde boy
He played the lead in "She Stayed and Peed"
Though his part was rather small (oooh!)
And it was tiny too in "The Girls Who Do"
You could hardly see it at all!
Yes he's the star of the dirty movies
And at night they film away
But when morning comes he rejoins his chums
A policeman during the day
Yes he's the star of the sexy movies
With a ?bazshwipeDesiO'shea?
But back on the beat he's kind of sweet
a policeman during the day
Oh yeah
Evenin' all!
(television commercials)
I said to the captain,
"Why is everyone running amock?"
He said "Well we have just hit
a rather large-ish rock"
He gave out life belts to the crew
and said "Can I get one for you?"
I said "I don't mind if I do"
(That called for a Holsten)
He said "Have you gone
completely off your rocker?"
I said, "Well you can't get a pint like this, you know,
in Davy Jones' locker
It's simply wunderbar
So pour another one pour moi"
Cheerio!
(That called for a Holsten)
I was in the jungle and really hot
When some Pygmies put me in this cooking pot
I said, "If I'm on the menu, I'll tell you what."
(That called for a Holsten)
"One knows what's right with every dish
It's red with meat, and white with fish
But if one's serving a pianist... "
(That called for a Holsten)
The Pygmies couldn't wait, I fear
For the finest lager, far or near
'Cause you see, they only serve shorts 'round here
(That called for a Holsten)
Yeah!
Where the doors all squeak
And the windows creak
And the ceilings leak
'cause the roof's antique
And you hear a shriek
And your legs feel weak
It's a haunted house
There's a dismal moan
Like a weird trombone
And the rattle of bones
And terrible groans
You are all alone
In the great unknown
In a haunted house
The air is full of clammy claws
That clutch you by the collar
So, gargle night and morning
Just in case you have to hollar!
The banshees weep
And wail, and leap
As monsters creep
With voices deep
Hobgoblins keep
You from your sleep
In the haunted house
In the dead of night
You'll shake with fright
As vampires fight
And hold on tight
Just for a bite
It's a dreadful sight!
In the haunted house
The haunted house will welcome you
With cobwebs in your face
It's just its way of telling you
It's such a cozy place
It's black as pitch
And your eyeballs twitch
'Cause the lighting switch
Is out out or reach
In the darkest niche
Is a cackling witch
In the haunted house
Phantom creatures creep around
With features truly gruesome
They all have supernatural powers
And know how to use 'em
In the eerie gleam
Of a cold moonbeam
Stands a ghoul, you seem
To be part of his scheme
And you wake with a scream
AAAAAAHHH!
From a horrible dreeeeeeam!
Of a haunted house.
For a truly
gruesome version of this, go
here
Kama, Kama, Kama Sutra with me! Yeah, yay!
Kama, Kama, Kama Sutra with me! Yeah, yay!
We tried position 31
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
It was terrific fun
Uh-huh
In position 72
You were me, and I was you
Uh!
Kama, Kama, Kama Sutra with me! Yeah, yay!
Kama, Kama, Kama Sutra with me! Yeah, yay!
Kama, Kama, Kama Sutra with me! Yeah, yay!
Kama, Kama, Kama Sutra with me! Yeah, yay!
Kama, Kama, Kama....
You who speak to me across the fence
Of common sense
How your tomato plant will win a prize,
won't that be nice,
And by the way, how's your wife?
Your holidays were spent in Spain
You went by train
You'll go again
Have you seen me bullfight poster on the wall?
Do you know the ‘appy memory it recalls?
Here's a photograph of me and my son, Ted
That's me cousin with his hanky on his head!
We booked in at our ‘otel just after two
And met a family from Bradford that we knew
Oooh, a melody! Burp!
My pink half of the drainpipe
Separates next door from me
My pink half of the drainpipe
Oh, Mama!
Belongs to me
Rodney's vain saxaphone solo, as promised
My pink half of the drainpipe
Semi-detach-ed, ah!
My pink half of the drainpipe
Oh, Mama!
Belongs to moi
I have a sister in Toronto who's a nurse
And I've had a bit of bother laying turf
It's life, not books, that taught me all I've learned
Woop, in the b'oven my rice pudding's getting burned!
‘Ere, have you seen the new attachment on me drill?
I must have the cat put down, ‘cause he's ill
Hey, neighbour!
My pink half of the drainpipe
I may paint it blue
My pink half of the drainpipe
Keeps me safe from
you!
I'm a wobbly jelly, you're a pink blancmange
I'm a sherry trifle, you're a chocolate sponge
Your dad wears a paper hat, mine inflates balloons
Whoops! Boodly boop! Pop! Here comes a
spoon!
My pink half of the drainpipe
Separates me from the incredibly fascinating story of your life and
every day to day event in all it's minute and tedious attention to
detail... And was it a Thursday or a Wednesday? Or, oh, no, it wasn't though.
Oh,
who cares anyway because I do not so Norman, if you're normal, I intend to
be a freak for the rest of my life, and I shall baffle you with cabbages
and rhinoceroses in the kitchen incessant quotations from "Now We Are
Six" through the mouthpiece of Lord Snooty's giant poisoned electric
head.
So
theeeeeere.........
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea
Drinking bear sits in Silver's Arcade
Sips imaginary lemonade
Amusement Pork!
Writing letters home
What a lovely view-EE-ooo (blah blah blab blab) (Dear Mom)
"What the Butler Saw" was a bit of a drag
The captain says he's going to heave, too
Bored with Bingo, we went for a swim
Fat sea cows with gorgonzola skin
Semi-nude!
After lunch, we grabbed our trunks
And we all got cramp!
Trousers rolled, the sea is cold
But it's good for chillblains
On the prom, white plimsolls and blue shorts
Brass band playing by the tennis courts
Love-fifteen! Love fifteen year olds
What a lovely view-EE-ooo, I've written at last
What's the rudest one? Just for a laugh
Just married and it sticks out for a mile!
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
We wish you were here
It rained yesterday, so we stayed indoors
The food's all right, I'm okay, hope you are same
Wish you were always, your loving son Anthony
I hope I get bronze this year
It is almost three years since Madge and Bobby Rawlinson pulled up roots
and were arrested by the parks department. (The mandrakes screamed!)
Jeremy Sphincter has sailed for Australia after the poultry scare. (We won't
mention HIM again.)
Old Mr. Trilonious stays on at the farm, now a broken man and an incurable
alcoholic. Apart from his regular visits to the village shop for a
couple of tins of "Ready Rub", he hardly goes out at all. And diverts his
remaining years to breeding those beautiful guppies for which he is so rightly
famous.
Sandra... smells.
Randy has turned in on himself - no mean feat for a forty stone man!
(And after all, he is still married to Sharon, and is only Paulette's father
by the skin of his teeth!)
Poor Rosemary has her hands full at Rawlinson End, trying to bring up Timothy
and Leticia, now at that difficult age when they start ...asking questions...
and wanking.
Meanwhile...
Aubery & Maureen Rawlinson, have gone to the old house, convinced that
there they will find something to prove Roger's birthright! (But unaware
that Paul Maynard is hiding in the priest hole.)
Now, read on....
"Somewhere inside my head, a bell sounded."
The seconds jumped after the ring, and the minutes flew from the corners.
"For Godsakes!", somebody shouted from the driveway, "throw in the kitchen
sink!"
There was a terrific splash!
And the sink lay upturned on the floor gasping like a landed fish.
In moments, Aubery was on his knees beside it, tenderly taking the limp tap
in his hands. Turning, it slowly.
A livid ivy of broken veins stretched eternal on his cheeks and the filth
of the city found easy purchase in the open pores.
Without taking his eyes off, he glanced up at Maureen,
"Oh darling..", he said thoughtfully, "You remember that...p-p-party?
D-don't you? The B-bernard Buffet table was over there wasn't it? Ha-Haa!
We seemed to drink oceans of bubbly! And well, I did all sorts of silly
things...and those rabbit costumes, ahenh-ahenh, seemed...I jumped up on
on t-t-top of you, well everybody laughed at the time, but they never asked
us back. Did...they?"
I think that was the first time he ever kissed her. She turned from the window
to stare at him.
"He looked so sinister in that corsette. And yet, he can be so nice."
She noticed the bags and thin etched lines around his eyes, and the way his
jowls hung down over his rumpled collar. He was breathing heavily from the
effort of getting up, and stood there stuffing his stomach back into his
belt. It was hard to believe he was still only twenty-six.
I could sense the tension in her body.
And that old vault.....the air crackled with it...in that old old room.
Part panelled and part papered with a curious pre-war design of faces, and
if you half closed your eyes they seemed to form roses of great vulgarity.
That old room that had known so many joys: the laughter of children,
and seen so many tragedies, and watched generations of Rawlinsons & Maynards
pass on.
The stuttering candle traced leering phantoms on the walls. It was almost
as if Old Sir Henry and that dreadful American woman were still there. She
could see them now, Mrs.Radcliffe's stilted table, straight backed and
cadaverous, poised over her sherry like a mantis, and bucolic, jolly, Old
Sir Henry toying with his brandy. (Legs well apart, coattails thrown
up front of the fire, expounding his interminable exploits before the blaze):
<cough cough cough> "You see, the natives had it in their noodles,
that if a chap's soul is pure, then the snake bite wouldn't harm him- HA
HA HA- poor old Hargreaves, died almost immediately!! Horrible agony.
Now let me tell you something about the big fella, you see, Bunny and I went
off into the bush after him, did we find him? By god we found him! I could
see the rascal's eyes gleaming like coals, then he was coming at me through
the undergrowth, big as a tank and a pair of tusks on him sharp as sickles,
you've probably seen them up in the study, use them for defacing Readers
Digest these days. Well, rifle jammed, bloody useless, Bunny panicked, took
off like a fox, little fool, bearers scattered, not that I blame them, what
we'd seen back in the clearing was enough to turn any man's liver. Then he
was on me, snapping and stabbing at me legs, I side stepped, lithe as a bastard
pansy, and let go at the blighter with eyes closed and fists blazing: Biff!
Wallop!" <wheeze> "Ooop.Ohh ohh....terribly sorry, darlings, I've spotted
all over me trousers."< cough, wheeze> "I think I'll be tottling off
now."
They were walking toward a part of the hall I knew to be unsafe. It
was no good. Whatever the cost, I had to warn them!
"Watch out for that loose floorboard.", I shouted. (Then wished
I hadn't.)
They both turned to glare at me. Then the rotten wood gave way, and frozen,
they disappeared into the cellar.
With an agility that surprised me, I sprang from my hiding place and peered
into the hole.
Maureen was head first in a barrel of dill pickles, struggling furiously.
I knew she carried a snorkel in her hand bag, but would she use it?
Aubery was unconscious, moored in the smashed floorboards he looked pathetic,
and ridiculous. His kilt had come off during the fall.
With his eyes closed, he looked as he had at Mounte El Mar Rey that summer.
Older somehow, but that proud Rawlinson chin was unmistakable. And
the cheek bones, a little higher than his mother's, they appeared as twin
humps on the top of his head.
The calender pages peeled and blew away, the terrible memories started flooding
back: Old Mrs.Macavore eating that horrible chicken, and the terrified child
running from the burning factory...
He was starting to wake up.
I'd waited four years, flown three thousand miles, and crossed a seal with
a Shetland pony just to get away from this man, and now....
I remembered....
I remember a tip of dad's:
The old boy had a thing about wasps, and always wore bicycle clips while
mowing the lawn. He seemed to keep a lot about, but now would it be
useful?
Now for some answers...
I hadn't planned it like this
but...<tottle-tock-tottle-tock-tottle-tock-tottle-tock>
His eyelids flickered....
A shutter corrugated his face and lost itself in the corners of his mouth,
his lips turned up the edges, and waited patiently, in the deepening shadows
beneath the nose.
Now I was going to face the music....
< thud! >
Thanks to Harvey J.
Satan for this contribution!
Hello I bet you're wonderin' why we're here
Sittin' on our bums without a stitch o' gear
Well as it happens our budget has expired
And everything's gone back
to the place from whence it's hired
And so although you know we never bitch
There's not a single funny set
we haven't got a stitch
'Cause we've overspent our budget, Gawd, not half
Now there's nothing left to make you buggers laugh
Our cameraman is drunk
Our producer's done a bunk
Our director's lyin' down with an aspirin
The man who is in charge of all the money has a large
Question mark hangin' over him
And his future
(And so although our budget is quite steep)*
(Six thousand quid or so which isn't very cheap)*
(That's what it cost to make you bleeders smile)*
(And we've been and overspent it by a mile)*
Con-sequently we're sittin' here on our bums
In the BBC towels we borrowed from our chums
in the wardrobe department
There's (approximately)* five minutes or so to go
well maybe three
Perhaps they'll switch us off early to save electricity
Oh they have
* On Rutland Weekend Television episode only
We cover you against fire and flood
Way Ho! Endowment!
But not riots, war, nor act of God
Way Ho! Endowment!
Over a period of thirty years
Way Ho! Endowment!
Unless of course you're in arrears
Way Ho! and up your premium!
So the boys got together and formed a band...uh, f'fate played the
straight man, and since then they've never looked back...
You, lads, welcome to t'Club B, I've seen you on t'telly with your long
hair and pimples. (pop pop)
We arrived at the gig looking rough
Not happy, we'd all had enough
Of eight hours on the road (honk!)
Legs Larry said, eeh, "It's the boozer for me, dear boy."
Yup, yup, yes indeedy
And the hotel reception was empty and cold
With ‘orrid red wallpaper forty years old
It stank like a rhino house!
Mr. Slater said, "Pooh, I can smell Vindaloo."
"Oh, really?" "No, Sir, O'Reilly!"
Hobnob
And we wave to the people who frown
At our hair as we ride into town
And Chalky and Nozz had set up the gear
At the club where the "Dohl Pal Show" would appear
In person as themselves (oarf! oarf!)
In person as themselves
"Then Neil, Fred, and I played darts for awhile."
"Before we switched on our theatrical smiles!"
"Hey, you remember!"
Hot dogs on sale in t' foyer
Hey...
You can have a drink in your dressing rooms, lads, but you can't come
into club looking like that. We can't oblige. Thank you.
Hey, Redneck!
We've had ‘em all ‘ere, you know, Tommy Ray.
Oh, aye?
That's a brand new scratch on the piano, cost you75 quid to put that
right.
Whoa, who did that?
Aye, remember Frank Fesher
And and Buddy Greece!
Aye!
Put off thought really, ‘ere, doesn't it?
Whoa, what?
Will you take your empty glasses back t'bar?
Any artiste mentioning football will be paid off immediately.
Hoover
It's not for meself, lads, it's for me daughter.
Five pints of lager, and one Coke!
It's not me, lads, it's t'manager what makes t'rules.
(Innes/Idle)
The most exciting place in the world for sailors
With the most exciting wicked naughty girls
More exciting than a book of Norman Mailer's
That's Tunbridge Wells!
We're on our way to Tunbridge Wells
Tunbridge Wells casts its magic spells
We'll spend all day in Tunbridge Wells
And smell all the Tunbridge Wells smells
sniff - AHH!
Where the women are women
and the men are rougher and tougher than the worst of hell's men
Tunbridge, Tunbridge,
--- Tunbridge Wells!!
Starting soon on Rutland Weekend, a new series of Classically Bad American
Films, commencing with the touching tale of three laughing, singing, dancing,
lovable American sailors with 24 hours liberty in one of the most exciting
towns in Kent.
Tunbridge Wells on closing day
Nuttin' to do and nuttin' to say
Gonna shout out HIP HOORRAY!
I got 24 hours in Tunbridge Wells to while...
a....
...way.
We've been to Leamington - - - -
We've been to Malvern - - - -
And we've been to Cheltenham
with all of the swells
But the place we dig the most in the world is
Tunbridge Wells!!
We
We are (ar ar ar
ar ar...)
We
We
are...
And, uh, here come some normals...
they look like normal... Hawaiians.
Well, uh, you didn't mention what month.
You think you're normal?
Yes, quite normal.
OK, here comes one.
Go inside! (tee hee hee)
Well it's, ah, it's not for me to deter really, is it? I mean
it's for a psychiatrist to deter these things, isn't it?
I like dehre food, and dey arr veddy nice people.
Ooh, itsalright, innit?
That a face?
Smart. It's your backside.
Oh, they're just typically normal.
No! This is not manly!
Well, it is unusual. Well, it's like a rabbit! He's got a head on
him like a rabbit!
I don't know, it's just not like normal people do.
You're not runnin' around in your underpants are you?
We are normal and we want our freedom
We are normal and we want our freedom
Wir sind gewöhnlich, wir sind zufrieden
We are normal and we dig Bert Weedon, ha ha!
We are normal and we want
Our freedom
Our freedom
Freedom!
Freedom!
Freedom!
We are normal and we want our freedom!
Thanks to Joel
Druckman for helping us out with this!